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I had not anticipated that but I should have, consideringthe noble family into which I was marrying. I felt relieved when Nanetteassured me that as First Wife I would rule and manage the household. Iwondered what that would mean in terms of daily living with another manand knowing that at times he would be bedded down by my spouse. How wouldwe get along? In the back of my mind, I worried. I had heard tales of thecatty and nasty conduct of some men living in what in some places iscalled a "harem" but which we call a wife keep. Could another man lessenthe love my husband had for me? What if he was prettier than me? Beingproperly submissive I dared not say anything to my prospective husband.Such a matter was for her alone to decide. I knew I must be obedient,whatever she chose to do.Nanette spoke also of how important I would be, appearing prettily on herarm at Court or diplomatic functions and as a hostess in our home. Becauseof the importance of these functions, she told me, she. I looked again at myself in the mirror and saw myself standing there with both of my hands touching my most private places. I thought just for one tiny moment that it might be nice to try and get a climax standing there like that. I felt my eyes locked on my wrist as I kept playing. I said out loud talking to the woman in the mirror, "STOP IT!"I listened to myself and began to strip. I decided I better hide my clothes so Bill would not see them. I put them in the bottom of the laundry basket and began my hot bath. Getting into the bath, I just put my head back and began to try to forget the day's events. The harder I tried to put them out of my mind, though, the more I kept remembering. As I lay there, I tried to focus my mind on Bill and just how much I loved him. God, that was the wrong thing to do. When I began to think of him, my eyes teared up and all I could then think of was how I had betrayed him. I was lying there thinking if only Bill knew he could help me fight this sick.
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